I have seen the ugly side of diabetes. I'm not talking high blood sugars, ketones and gallons of water...I'm talking about the mental side of diabetes.
The emotional side.
The ugly side.
Last night my 12 year old daughter was in tears.
She's tired of it.
She wants to give up but knows she can't.
She's had D since she was 4 years old. This summer she will have had diabetes for 8 years. She has been battling this stupid disease for longer than she hasn't. She's frustrated.
She's tired of worrying she is going to die.
She's tired of going to the Nurse's office to check.
She's tired of stopping during her sports to check her blood sugar and treat her low.
She's tired of wearing a medical alert and people asking her what it is.
She's tired of Ref's singling her out because she HAS to wear her medic alert bracelet...(that's a whole separate blog...more on that when some answers are given).
She's tired of being...DIFFERENT.
As her Mother; I'm supposed to make everything all right. It kills me that I can't. I can't do anything.
I can bolus, count carbs, weigh her food, check her blood sugar, treat her lows and highs but that's all I can do.
I feel helpless sometimes. Not all the time. But last night I did. When she is in tears...sobbing. And I can do nothing but hug her. I can't even tell her "it's okay" because it isn't.
This is the side of diabetes that they don't talk about when their diagnosed. They equip you with all the bells and whistles on how to keep them alive but they sure don't equip you with the bells and whistles of ugly diabetes.
She keeps a journal. She will never have to worry about me reading it. I already know what's in it. It breaks my heart. Just like last night. A million pieces of broken heart all over the floor.
She has D friends that she can talk to and email.
I think that sometimes she gets overwhelmed and just needs to let it out.
Don't we all?
There are very few days that I can honestly say that D beats us up. But last night...it did. It's a feeling in the pit of your stomach like you've been sucker punched. It's disappointment. It's helplessness. It's ugly. It sucks.
This isn't a pity party by any means.
This is a post that lets you know you aren't alone.
This is a post about the ugly side of diabetes.